Well today was interesting. Last night my feet and ankles were super puffy, so I spent the evening with my feet up. Not much better today :(
With all that time with my feet up, I did a lot of thinking. I came to some not so great realizations. Here they are
1. JAB played me once again. We broke up before Christmas, and I decided against getting him a gift, but when he called and told me he had one for me, I felt bad, so I got him something. I didnt spend a fortune, but I made the effort. I got him new red sheets and had them embroidered with UGA on them, his favorite team, and got him a few other small UGA things. I was going to get us 2 tickets to Vegas or NYC for this spring, but that would have been a waste. I gave him his gift a week after Christmas, and he told me he didnt have mine with him. 3 weeks later he said he would just ship it to me... Guess what hasn't arrived :( I feel so stupid. I feel for this, buying him more stuff & falling into the feel bad trap.
I guess Im just coming to terms of how much the break up hurt me. I gave up so much for him, moved away from my friends, was unemployed & miserable for months just for the chance to be near him. And it took just a few weeks for him to fall out of love with me. I stayed and tried to make it work, while he kept putting me down, and putting my friends before me. I couldn't tell you the last time he kissed me, or touched me, or even looked at me.
I remember when I started desperately reaching out for male friends just to try and fill the void he left in my heart. I just wanted so bad for someone to love me.
And now everything reminds me of him. NYC, songs on the radio, even my clothes. I just cant quite get my head around how easy it was for him to just move on, get over me. I never admitted this to y'all before but when I saw him a few weeks back, to get my stuff, I threw myself at him. I told him this was his chance, his hail mary pass to take me back, work things out and fall in love all over again. He just turned away.
Im slowly learning that its not me, its not my fault, Im not defective, it just wasnt meant to be, but it doesnt hurt any less. The day we saw each other last I told him to keep my apartment key, because we were still friends. Ive barely heard from him since...
I dont even know if he ever loved me... Maybe in the beginning. Truth was it took me a long long time to fall for JAB. I was standoffish in the beginning, keeping my heart away, even after our trip to NYC I wasnt in love with him. I cant remember exactly when I feel in love, but I think it was when he came to visit me and he cried when he left. That day I knew he loved me and I loved him.
2. My second realization is that, thanks to my Dad, I will be out of my old apartment by March 31. This will be the first time ever that I will be moving with out the help of a boyfriend. That doesnt seem significant, but I guess to me that is. I always thought Id move into that apartment with JAB's help and when I moved out Id be engaged to be married, or married. That couldnt be farther from the truth. The day I move out is going to be painful. I have a lot of negativity associated with Carrollton and my home there. So many sad days and not very many happy ones.
3. Realization #3 is that I still havnt sent out my Christmas cards. Im guessing they'll wait in the box for next year. Between work and my illnesses and just over all "not me ness" I havnt had the desire to do much. I did send my HS theater teacher and my Life Teen leader from HS messages hoping to get involved with both of them. I need something to fill my days, and make me smile again. I also have an appointment with a DR this sat morning, which I am excited about. I need to get back on my meds & maybe start feeling better again.