1 Year Ago

One year ago was August 31 2010 and I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I packed up my home, my dreams, my plans into a uhaul truck and I moved to Carrolton, GA.

Now I'm sure some of you are thinking "what so bad about Carrolton?" and the answer is nothing. There's a target and a Kroger so the city itself isn't that bad. Its the reason I moved. I moved for a guy, my boyfriend at the time, JAB. I know my long time readers remember him. You also probably remember how miserable I was when I was there.

 I had no friends, no job, and I wasn't in school. At first I thought it would be OK, getting to see JAB every day after being long distance for 6 months.

Boy was I wrong. It took about a month or so for me to realize that he didn't like spending time with me because it took away from his friend time. He lived in a big house with a bunch of guys and he wanted to spend all his time with them. I went from being important to going to the back burner.

Then he lost his job and he lost all interest in everything. He was moody and hateful to me, removed from his friends. He just sunk into a horrible place and pushed away everyone that he cared about, especially me.

Finally in November I got a grown up job back in Atlanta. My parents welcomed me home with open arms and I left JAB and Carrolton behind in the dirt.

In some ways this is a thank-you post to my parents for allowing me to make mistakes on my own and being there to help dust me off when I fell.  Or maybe it's my way of forgiving JAB for everything he put me through. Either way I learned a major life lesson -

NEVER FOLLOW SOMEONE ELSE, FORGE YOUR OWN PATH

So that's what I'm doing now, forging my own path. I'm getting control of my life, figuring out what the next step is, living my life for myself, not anyone else.

Slap In The Face

Well today was interesting. Last night my feet and ankles were super puffy, so I spent the evening with my feet up. Not much better today :(

With all that time with my feet up, I did a lot of thinking. I came to some not so great realizations. Here they are

1. JAB played me once again. We broke up before Christmas, and I decided against getting him a gift, but when he called and told me he had one for me, I felt bad, so I got him something. I didnt spend a fortune, but I made the effort. I got him new red sheets and had them embroidered with UGA on them, his favorite team, and got him a few other small UGA things. I was going to get us 2 tickets to Vegas or NYC for this spring, but that would have been a waste. I gave him his gift a week after Christmas, and he told me he didnt have mine with him. 3 weeks later he said he would just ship it to me... Guess what hasn't arrived :( I feel so stupid. I feel for this, buying him more stuff & falling into the feel bad trap.

I guess Im just coming to terms of how much the break up hurt me. I gave up so much for him, moved away from my friends, was unemployed & miserable for months just for the chance to be near him. And it took just a few weeks for him to fall out of love with me. I stayed and tried to make it work, while he kept putting me down, and putting my friends before me. I couldn't tell you the last time he kissed me, or touched me, or even looked at me.

I remember when I started desperately reaching out for male friends just to try and fill the void he left in my heart. I just wanted so bad for someone to love me.

And now everything reminds me of him. NYC, songs on the radio, even my clothes. I just cant quite get my head around how easy it was for him to just move on, get over me. I never admitted this to y'all before but when I saw him a few weeks back, to get my stuff, I threw myself at him. I told him this was his chance, his hail mary pass to take me back, work things out and fall in love all over again. He just turned away.

Im slowly learning that its not me, its not my fault, Im not defective, it just wasnt meant to be, but it doesnt hurt any less. The day we saw each other last I told him to keep my apartment key, because we were still friends. Ive barely heard from him since...

I dont even know if he ever loved me... Maybe in the beginning. Truth was it took me a long long time to fall for JAB. I was standoffish in the beginning, keeping my heart away, even after our trip to NYC I wasnt in love with him. I cant remember exactly when I feel in love, but I think it was when he came to visit me and he cried when he left. That day I knew he loved me and I loved him.


2. My second realization is that, thanks to my Dad, I will be out of my old apartment by March 31. This will be the first time ever that I will be moving with out the help of a boyfriend. That doesnt seem significant, but I guess to me that is. I always thought Id move into that apartment with JAB's help and when I moved out Id be engaged to be married, or married. That couldnt be farther from the truth. The day I move out is going to be painful. I have a lot of negativity associated with Carrollton and my home there. So many sad days and not very many happy ones.

 

3. Realization #3 is that I still havnt sent out my Christmas cards. Im guessing they'll wait in the box for next year. Between work and my illnesses and just over all "not me ness" I havnt had the desire to do much. I did send my HS theater teacher and my Life Teen leader from HS messages hoping to get involved with both of them. I need something to fill my days, and make me smile again. I also have an appointment with a DR this sat morning, which I am excited about. I need to get back on my meds & maybe start feeling better again. 

Stuffed Up

 So right now Im sitting in my parents kitchen, watching Law & Order about something crazy, IDK. They love this show, I like it ok, but I prefer Bones. I'm pretty sure they have another episode coming up so I figure Ill answer some of these fun questions.  

 

1. Do you see a lot of stars at night where you live?

I think so, next time I'm outside at night I'll have to look up. I know in Atlanta I can't see stars when I look up. A few years ago I was a camp counselor for the summer and I just loved looking up at the stars every night.

2. Did you cry today?
Yes, I have been sick and I have a lot of pressure built up on my head. Sometimes crying lets the pressure out.

3. What are you doing tomorrow?
I think I am going to dash over to IKEA and grab some tuperware and then I'll be headed back to carrollton to pack up some more clothes and hang out with some friends. Just a nice low key weekend.

4. What is the last movie you watched and what's the best thing about it?
“Toy Story 3" I just love pixar animation and the characters are just so cute.

5. Are you craving any kind of food right now?
Something sweet, might go find some chocolate. I was super craving sushi today, so thats what I had for dinner.

6. Who slept in your bed with you last?
Me, and me and I.

7. Where were you at 9am?
Today? Awake - looking for cold meds

8. How do you feel about your hair?
I normally love it, but here lately its been really weird, so Im hoping to get it healthy and then get a nice cut and style.

9. Do you plan on having any babies and if so how many?
Yes, I want to be a mommy. I want 2, a boy and a girl. 

10. Do you wear makeup?
Not very often, but now that I'm gonna have a big girl job, I'll prob wear basic makeup.

11. Have you done any community service this year?
Yes, a lot. I did about 60 hours my last semester at GSU but I havnt found a group to volunteer with around here yet. I did sign up for a volunteering singles group in ATL that I'm excited for.

12. What is the last concert you went to?
Tim McGraw in April

13. Do you have any secret wishes right now?
Yes, but I guess if I tell you, it wont be a secret, will it.

14. Have you ever cried in front of the last person you kissed?
Ya, but here lately he is the reason I have been crying so its not so good.

15. If you could be anywhere right now where would you want to be?
In statesboro with my friends, getting ready to go out for a fun night.

16. How is the weather lately?
OK - not too hot, but not freezing either.

17. Where do you want to eat next?
I'm thinking Fellinies tomorrow.

18. What scares you the most about relationships?
Not ever finding the One.

19. What's your favorite sport to play?
swimming

20. Do you like chocolate?
Yes!

21. What are you listening to?
Target Add for Keith Urban - Love Him!

22. What happens to you when you get nervous?
I talk too much, and I fidget.

23. Does the rain ruin your day?
I try not to let it.

24. What is your relationship status?
Ugh... well lets just say JAB send me a txt saying we need to talk about "us" tomorrow since on wed I will be moving to ATL m-f for at least the next 6 weeks.

25. Are you ticklish?
only one place, but its very very very painful for me to be tickled there.


well now that I've spilled my sick guts, I'm gonna go put on my PJs, head down to the theater and watch some DVR!

Blogging Chalange

So it seems like this is the new things to do. I love these sort of getting to know me things so Im going to do this for the next 10 days-

Day 1: Ten things you want to say to ten people right now.

Day 2: Nine things about yourself that most people don't know.
Day 3: Eight things you couldn't live without.

Day 4: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 5: Six things you wish you could change or wish you would have never done.
Day 6: Five people who mean a lot to you.
Day 7: Four turn offs.

Day 8: Three turn ons.
Day 9: Two words that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.

 Join In!

1. JAB

I just want to say I'm sorry and thank you. Thank you for putting up with all my mood swings and drama and issues for the last 6 weeks since I've been here in Ctown. I'm sorry things have been so difficult for me  being here, I never thought it would be this hard. I have faith that one day we will look back at this time and laugh and remember that its times like these that make us stronger. I love you so very much and I wish there was more I could do for you. I know your birthday wasn't a big deal, because I c0uldnt afford to make it really special, but I promise I will make it up to you :)

2. Mrs JAB (his mom)

I wish I was closer to you and your family. I am glad that you enjoyed your get well soon card and I hope that you really think I'm a keeper for your wonderful son JAB. I wish you would tell your daughter to stop being such a drama crazy bitch, and explain that as a married women with a  baby she shouldn't be doing the things that shes doing. I cant wait to meet you!

3. Mr UWG

To the ass**** who decided I wasnt worthy of the job at UWG I would like to tell you what a major huge mistake you made! You and your school really lost out by not hiring me! I hope that whoever you hired does a good job for the students sake, but they wont have the joy, the drive, the energy or the gumption I have! 

4. Mom

I know you went to an Ivy League college and got your degree in 3.5 years. You worked in corporate America for many years and you were an executive at a very young age. You bought your first car, a BMW at age 25 and you wore channel at least once a week. But I never knew you spent the first year out of college waiting tables. This little fact made me feel much better that I may be working a less then ideal job, but its ok because one day I will have everything I ever wanted (just like you do now). Also - thank you for raising me the way you did. I hope I make you proud

5. All My Married Friends

I cant believe that I have so many of you. I love you all so very much and in some ways I am really jealous of you, you have your prince charming, your happy, you had a big wedding (well one of you did) and now your living with the man of your dreams. There are many days that I wish I was in your shoes, but I am happy I'm not. I am not ready to be married. I am not ready to be settled down. I am still figuring out who I am and what makes me happy. 

6. My blogger/twitter friends

Y'all are amazing! I have always had a hard time making friends, and the ones I do never seem to be that good of friends. I have tried to maintain strong friendships with so many of them, but its really hard. I have never felt so accepted and welcomed and loved by anyone as I do with y'all. When I have a bad day, you are all so supportive and kind, and when I have a good day, your there smiling with me. I wish I could gather you all into a room with buckets of the best campaign and a massive meal so we could all just sit and chat and laugh and love being together! I plan to visit and meet as many of you as I possibly can!

7. Future Boss

I dont know who you are yet but I cant wait to meet you. I want to thank you in advance for giving me the position and to tell you that I will work hard and keep a positive attitude. 

8. Lilly Pulitzer

I am a newbi Lilly Lover and I adore all your things, the prints all make me happy and everything seems like its really high quality. My issue is the sizes, you dont make anything bigger then a 14/16. I am a plus size girl, and yes, Im trying to lose weight and get in shape, but I wont be a 12 for at least another 6+ months. I wish you would make your clothing in plus sizes (and this doesnt mean just going up to 16, but maybe to a 28. I know its shocking but us bigger women also want to wear cute, preppy clothes

9. Chase Crawford

The readers of my blog have no idea who you are or what you have done to me. I have nightmares, even 3+ years later, about you and the things you did. Every time I go to therapy they ask me where all the issues started and your name is what I say. I have to answer peoples questions when they see my ankle, watch the horror in their eyes as they try and wrap their mind around the story I tell me. Each time I start a new relationship I have to tell them about the horrors I have been through. I don't hate you, I despise you. I dearly hope and pray that you will never have a happy day for the rest of your days. I hope you suffer like you have caused me to suffer. A person like you should never call themselves a man, or even a human being. You don't deserve that respect. 

10. My 1st Blog Swap Partner

I want you to know that I think your a major Bit**! I was so excited to be a part of MRM's swap. I made up the cutest box for you and spent all the extra $$ I had to make it wonderful. I waited and waited and waited to receive my swap box but I never did :( I was so hurt and upset. I have considered sending you a note in the mail to tell you all these things, but Im not going to. Just remember karma's a bitch. 

love

OK, so I know I shouldn't blog twice in one day, but I'm gonna break the rules and do it anyway. So I just read this blog (well I watching the trailor and plan to read the rest later), and I realised I have a major issue.

Ive been dating JAB for a while. We met over last Christmas break, so about mid December. We just casually dated / we're friends for a while, until we went to NYC in late February, where he asked me to be his girlfriend (yes it was super Korney but very romantic).

So we've been together about 8 months, but not officially boyfriend / girlfriend for only 6 months. Keep in mind we've been dating long distance for those 6 months.

So after watching the trailer, I realized I don't know if I am in love with JAB. This is the first time it has ever taken me this long. Its not that I don't think I'm falling in love with him, I am, but I'm worried its taking too long. Is that possible? Can it take too long to fall in love with someone? I have always fallen in love quickly, which I know isn't necessarily a good thing. But its just a bit weird for me, knowing I moved here to be closer when I'm not in love with him yet.

But on the other hand it feels good to know that I didn't rush anything. I have fallen in love with a lot of people very quickly and I have gotten hurt very very badly. So perhaps I'm keeping myself from my true feelings as a way to protect myself.

your thoughts?

We Begin Again, at the Begining

Hello

so now that Ive gotten back onto twitter, I figure I should start on my blog again. Hopsefuly Ill stick with it this time :)

You can call me YankeeBelle, or simply B. Im a graduate of Georgia Southern University as of May 8, 2010. Im still here this summer taking a few summer classes, but thats ok.

I'm dating a wonderful boy we will call JAB (his initials). We have been dating since December 2009, and he asked me to be his girls friend during a trip we took to New York City in February.