Tell Us How You Really Feel...

I feel like I've failed as a friend this past month. I have been super moody, super snappy, super just not cool. *warning this post is about to get super personal*

I've been on my period for 47 days now. I did the math. Ive been though 4 boxes of tampons & a box of pads. Before this I hadn't had a period in prob 3 months. And no, I'm not on BC or anything like that because I haven't done anything in 3 years. Yes 3. That probably makes me a virgin again.

Between working out the swap issues, and now co-planning & hosting this bridal shower I am about to tear my hair out. Now Im having to orginize some big group trip to savannah this weekend and Im like NO! I dont want to see a bunch of people I hate. I dont want to go to a concert with them. I want to see my friends, visit David's grave and relax! And go to the bridal shower (that Im not planning).

Shall we start at the beginning? 1 1/2 months of a period is like hell. cramps, mood swings, you name it, I deal with it. So since we all know how crummy our period is for a week, imagine 5 1/5 weeks of it with no end in sight? It SUCKS!!!!!

Then lets add in David's death. I cry every night. I cry when I hear songs on the radio like this one:


Like right now, its playing in the background & Im sobbing like a baby. I havnt been to church since I leanred the news. I didnt go easter sunday either. I am so mad at god. How could he take daivd? He was that one guy who I knew would always look at me & see beautiful. He would always love me. He gave the kinds of hugs that last for hours. Who am I gonna call when I cant remember which mall in Savannah has which stores? Who will pick me and Courtney up from River Street at 3am? Whos gonna walk me down the aisle at my wedding if Daddy cant do it? Whos gonna marry me when Im 35 & cant find a hubby?


I want to put a photo of him on my desk at work, but I know I'll lose it every time I see it. I dont know how people get over the loss of a love one. I get so... mad... idk if thats even the right word... sad, mad, upset, jealous when I see happy people now. Even at work, when people call in about their spouses I feel a pain in my heart. How am I ever gonna feel ok?

so lets add on swap stress - I love hosting swaps. dont get me wrong, but when I lose emails and I cant figure out whos who and whats what - STRESS! this one is 100% my fault. I should have canceled it but I felt bad...

And now the wedding shower. Not only is the MOH a MOZ-zilla but shes a bitch. & Im staying with her for the wedding! argh! 4 days! I might kill someone! I already spent $30 on decorations for the party and shes all "I dont think they're gonna go with the theme". really? Its one damn banner & a center piece. and some cute napkins. but NO! they;re all going into a box for the next bachelorette party I throw. Heres the kicker. I dont want to order anything without her OK, so she doesnt freak out, but SHE DOESNT REPLY TO TXT MESSAGES OR EMAILS!!! I need her to take 10 min away from her stupid boyfriend (insert hormonal, lost david emotions here) and just say "yes or no"

And now the kicker - this weekend Im going to statesboro for a relaxing girls weekend and one of my friends is trying to drag me into this big event thing. I dont want to go!!! I dont want to see your stupid band, celebrate your bitchy friend's birthday with you & your fience & her fience! She is a crappy friend! She was a bitch to me & you & IDK why your friends with her. I want to spend my time with people I care about & miss.

I am planning on visiting David's grave. This is gonna be so hard for me. Ive never visited the grave of someone I knew before. Im bringing a huge box of tissues.

You would think after saying all this Id feel better right... nope. I feel just as stressed, just as sad, just as hormonal & mad as 45 min ago when I started this.

I guess I should close by saying Im sorry to those people I have taken all this out on,  my friends, my parents & yall now. I really dont know who to talk to about any of this. I stopped seeing my counselor, God only knows why. I dont pray anymore because when I do I just get mad & sad.

Bottom line is Im a mess. A big fat (oh ya - been trying to get healthy but Im pretty sure Im gaining weight!) emotional mess.

What A Weekend

The past few days have been a whirlwind! Nothing super exciting happening in my world, but on the grander scale, lots has happened.

Wednesday night was the start of really bad ad storms in Alabama. Waking up thursday morning, a huge tornado had ripped through the state and the devastation was terrible!

Then Friday was the Royal Wedding, at 4am

 

Saturday brought the beatification of Pope John Paul II

 

And tonight, sunday, Osama Bin Laden was pronounced dead

 

This weekend will fill an entire chapter in future history books, and I will have lived through it. This weekend had a lot of personal significance to me. Starting with the storms, I have a lot of friends who go to Bama & many friends on twitter who live there. I am glad that they all made it through safe & I continue to keep them in my prayers. 

The royal wedding was a big deal to me because I lived in Europe when Diana died. I put flowers at the tunnel in her memory. Seeing her son all grown up and marring a beautiful girl brought tears to my eyes. I know his mum is looking down and is so proud of her son!

Pope John Paul II will always have a special place in my heart! I saw him once when I was young. He was on his papal balcony when I visited Rome. I remember everyone cheering and taking photos but I dont remember seeing him. What I do know is how he made the youth of the church a priority and his faith & love made me a strong catholic. 

Lastly tonight I read on twitter, facebook and heard Obama give the great news that OBL had been killed. I still remember sept 11 2001, sitting in religion class, watching the news and not understanding what was going on. I didn't know what the towers were, or the pentagon. Im pretty sure I didnt know where PA was. But now I have many friends who's husbands, brothers, girlfriends, & sisters serve this great country as members of the armed forces. Tonight I say a special prayer for them. 

But in all this good news, my hear still hurts. I keep thinking about David & what he would have said about all this. He would have donated time & resources to Alabama, driving there to help those who had lost everything. He would have teased me for being so excited for a wedding I wasn't invited to. He would have prayed for JPII and been proud to be catholic. And he would have smiled big and proud upon hearing of OBL's death. David was one of the most patriotic people I've ever know, and I know he's sitting in heaven with all those people who lost their lives sept 11 2001 and spitting on OBL as he makes his way to hell.

Reach Out To Someone

Yesterday I learned of the death of a very dear friend. I am so numb I cant even believe its real. I was planning to see him in just a few weeks. I've been crying on and off all day. Every little thing reminds me of him. He gave the best hugs, because you always knew he meant it when he hugged you.

This week I am making a point to call all of my friends, send them a letter, something, just to tell them how special and amazing they are and how much I love them. I don't want anyone leaving this earth & not knowing how much I cared for them.

Kate, my high school/church bff & I had a huge fight this fall. We haven't spoken since, which hurts me. I was thinking I was standing up to her bulling by not apologizing first but I am finally realizing it doesn't matter who says sorry first. It doesn't matter that we have almost nothing in common these days, what matters is that were friends and I want her to know how important she is to me.

Im going to write her a letter tonight, telling her how sorry I am and how much I miss being her friend. I hate that it took a death of someone I really loved for all this to click into place, but it did.

My dad offered to take me to church to light a candle for David, but I cant, not yet. First I need to forgive myself for not being a good enough friend to him. I could have called more, visited him, told him how much he meant to me. But now all I can do is look at pictures and remember him.

Today I am issuing a challenge, go through your phone, or your facebook and find 5 people, or maybe even just 1 person, you call a friend but haven't talked to, or you had a fight with. Make an effort to reach out to them and say hi. See how they're doing, go have dinner, or lunch, or coffee if they live near by. Make memories now, take pictures, listen to their voice, hug them extra tight, because you never know when they wont be there anymore.

RIP David

  

David McGrath

July 19 1982 - April 8. 2011

David and I met my very first year in stateboro. I was new to town and we had been taking on pof.com before I moved there. He was the nicest guy, always so kind and thoughtful. He was cute and we always flirted. We even dated for a little bit, but deicded to just be friends. David would always make an effort to come to my lame dorm parties, he met all my loser boyfriends and supported me after break ups. He was one of those guy friends every girl needs to have. I always wondered if he & I were meant to be together, both of us being catholic and all. 

We got into a hugh fight about 6 months before I graduated. He didnt like that I was spoiled and my parents paid for my college, I just assumed he was jealous. We stopped talking after that. Only recently, maybe in January, I sent him a facebook message to say I was sorry about the fight. We chatted a little bit but it wasnt the same. 

I was planning to tell him I would see him in Savannah in a few weeks when I was in town for the bridal shower, and I saw everyone writing RIP on his wall. I found the news report of what happened. Heres the link if you want to read it:

http://savannahnow.com/jamie-parker/2011-04-07/fiery-wreck-explosion-i-95-bryan-county-kills-one

David worked so hard as a truck driver, he wanted to go back to school, get married and have a family. David gave the best hugs and he never judged me, even when I was too drunk to walk. David was the big brother I never had and I know a part of me will always love him. 

RIP David, you will live on in my heart always!

Ashley's Birthday

We were a little drunk

Smile!

My Valentine!