Life Lessons

So I've been dating Ryan for about 4 months and its been wonderful, except of course, for the long distance thing. That sucks. I've never spent a Tuesday or Wednesday with him and only a few hours on a Thursday once. Its weird to think about. Knowing how much I like him, but I don't know what its like to kiss him on a Tuesday. It scares me a little bit. A lot of things about the relationship are scaring me. Maybe I'm just crazy but maybe not. I just keep getting flashes from my ex boyfriends, past relationships and I see myself repeating the same things.

This weekend I asked Ryan what he wanted from his life, what his life dreams were. He didn't hesitate, he knew exactly what he wanted. He wants a good paying job, a house somewhere in the south, a wife and a few kids, 2 vacations a year and to live comfortably. He knows when he's done with school in Dec, he knows what field he's going into and he knows hes gonna enjoy his work.

When he said that I saw flash backs of so many of my exs. They all said something similar. And they're all married. They married southern, home town kinda girls. Girls with deep roots and domestic skills, girls who wanted to have kids by 26 and dreamed of a mini van.

These are what I call backyard, neighborhood dreams. They are dreams, but they are very white picket fence, and so settled.

I start to hyperventilate when I think about this. I just.... I dream bigger. I want to visit Australia, go surfing Christmas morning, I want to meet the Dali lama, I want to see a penguin in its natural habitat, I want to make real red sauce in Italy, I want to take a vodka shot in Russia for David, I want to live overseas again, follow my aunts footsteps through Greece. I want to live a big, full life. I want to have a house and kids too but not soon. I want to run wild, learn everything I can. I want to take a big chuck out of life. back back through Europe, volunteer in china.

Once Ive lived as much as I can, I wanrt to settle down & start a family. Hopefully move them to europe or africa or new zeland and let them grow up in a diffrent culture like i did.

But i realise that Im almost 25 and Im not getting any younger. I dont have a lot of time to do all this, or maybe I do. But these things dont even light a spark in Ryan, he doesnt have any interest in doing thissort of thing.

Now Im not gonna let someone else stop me from doing what I want to do, but theres a part of me asking why bother staying with him if we are so damn different. I left the other guys who wanted what he eanted & now they're happily married.

Another thing that I see from past relationships happening again, is me falling harder for him then he has for me. Where he was quick to fall in love & I was a little slower with the falling in love part. But now he's slowing down, withdrawing where as Im settling in for a long term relationship. I guess Im wondering if this is just a fun summer fling. Maybe Im looking way to much into this, but I just feeling like im doing what Ive done a thousand times, lining myself up for heart break. I'll be much more invested then he is and when it doesn't work out Ill get hurt.

I want to throw the breaks on my feelings, slow down, back up even. Just regain my footing and hold off for a while. Im afraid to get super attached. I don't want to put all my cards on the table, I want him to have to chase me, because I can already see the thrill of the chase is wearing off and he's getting comfortable.

One lesson I am taking from past relationships is Im not spilling everything to him. I'm not using his as my only confidente. Im trying to not open up to him about a lot of person stuff at all, because Ive learned that thats the kind of emotional luggage men don't want.

Am I doing the right thing trying to learn from my past? or should I be looking at this entire thing with a clean slate?

The Big L Word

dum dum dum dum dummmmmmm...

I bet you're thinking "awww, they said they love each other this weekend and shes about to blog all about it. Sorry to disappoint, that didn't happen. I think it might happen, in the next few months, but not yet. I'm still holding back on falling that hard, part of the "don't get hurt" again game plan.

No, the L word I'm referring to is LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP

I realize its 3 words and not 1, but I figure if you've been reading my blog for a while you know that I take some creative licence with my posts.

So I'm going to come out and admit it.... kind of like a support group. I'm in a long distance relationship (from now on referred to as LDR) AGAIN

I know I have some readers who have been reading my blog since the beginning, like a year or 2 ago. & I have some readers who are my IRL friends and know more about me then I care to admit (you know who you are).  But I know most of my readers are new, and don't know me very well - trust me, your better off that way lol. But the simple fact is, 90% of my past relationships have been LDRs. I would date guys who lived in Atlanta while I was in college, who lived in Savannah (an hour away), or at least guys who lived 45 min away. The few times I dated a local guy it was over within weeks. 

And we all know how much of an epic fail moving to be with a guy was, AKA my last relationship, giving up everything (worst decision ever). 

So I promised myself that I wouldn't do it again. I'd date someone local, someone I could see 3-4 times a week, go to trivia with, have date night, just hang out with on a random Tuesday. I tried to date local Atlanta guys, epic fail again (notice a pattern yet?). Heck there were dates I didn't even blog about because I was just too embarrassed to tell y'all that another one hadn't worked out. 

So after promising myself that I wouldn't do long distance, I go and meet Ryan. 

Looking cute for his best friend's wedding

Ryan lives in statesboro, 178 miles from my house to his, front door to front door. For the last month or so, every Friday has been get off work, fly down I75 to I16 and drive the 3.5 hours to get to spend just 2 measly days with him. Worth it, yes, exhausting, you have no idea. My room is a disaster, I haven't been to the gym in ages, my gas bill is out the roof, my car's a mess and I spend $15 a week on books on CD for the trip.

Don't get me wrong, I love being back in my college town, eating cheap food & Mexican and going to the beach. I love it. But I know I cant do it forever. I cant afford it, my car cant handle the miles and I'm gonna need some time to see my girl friends.

But what can I do? He's in the process of looking for a grown up job, but he hasn't heard anything. I pray every night that he gets a job in Atlanta. But hes applied all over the South East. And now if he doesn't get a grown up job he's going to take another 6 months of college courses 178 miles away. The perk is this fall for football season I'll have somewhere to stay & party, but I know I wont be able to go down there every weekend.

I'm truly worried he's gonna get a job in Jacksonville, or somewhere super far away. I just don't know if I can keep seeing him if he lives so far. I know from experience that when I live apart from my guy, a few things happen.
A. My interest wonders, I start looking for "platonic" male friends to fill the void
B. I start creating the relationship in my mind, sometimes to the point where I will fall in love with the idea of him that I create, but then I get disappointed when he doesn't live up to my prince charming fantasy.



I dont want to break up with him, I really like him. He's just so kind, and caring and attentive and he makes me laugh and thinks I'm just beautiful. He introduces me to his friends and is proud to be seen with me. He likes my goofy friends and is excited to meet my family. He doesn't mind that I'm a southern Yankee. This is not the kind of guy that you come across often, but I'm still worried about getting hurt, again. I spent 8 months alone just trying to get over 5 years of heartbreak. I'm not ready to get hurt again.

I wonder, how far is too far? How did you keep your long distance romance alive? What should I do? 

"Domestic Goddess"

If there is one thing  I can say without a doubt, is that I am not a domestic goddess. I do not like to clean, or tidy up, I don't like chores or organizing. This has always been a bit of a sore spot with ex boyfriends, as they wanted someone to look after them as well as their home. I was not that girl. Maybe a load of laundry from time to time, but thats about it. I'm more of a "work hard to afford to hire a maid" type then a "clean it myself and be a stay at home wife type". Just like my mom.

I can cook and I love to cook when I'm in the mood, but thats normally only after watching Top Chef & then I just go crazy in the kitchen. I do love to bake though. But when it comes to actually planning a meal, I suck. I just get overwhelmed and then in the middle of cooking I get distracted or bored and lose interest. But this weekend, in the theme of impressing Ryan & showing him that I can cook, I'm going to make a 3 course meal.

Heres the issue, I have NO idea what to make. Most of my specialists are big meals for 5-6 people (used to feeding a boyfriend & all his roommates) & most of the stuff I make is winter kinda food.

I need help y'all. I need a light, summer meal (it'll be in the 90s this weekend) thats not too hard, really yummy and can be made in a small kitchen.

I ordered this book but Im worried it wont come in time and I refuse to pay double the price to buy it at the Barns & Noble around the corner. I'm going to call the local library & see if they have a copy.

Do you have a recipe you swear by that totally impresses guys? Please help this un-domestic goddess out!

It's Official!

We I guess I'm off the single band wagon. Ryan asked me to be his girlfriend this past saturday night. Now mind you this was after a day of drinking at the beach, a double crown & coke at dinner & 2 large wet willies, so he might have not realized what he was doing. lol. I waited till sunday, about 12.05am to say yes  just to keep him on his toes. I even asked twitter :)

So now that I'm a girl friend, I'll be spending even more time in the car so Im gonna need some good books on CD to keep me awake. What fun, easy reads have you read lately that you can recommend?

Here are some pics of this weekend -

Tybee Lighthouse

This funny little bird never moved

Smile!

Again

All dressed up to go out

Ryan was sick of pictures

Us being silly after quite a few drinks

Stephen, Michele & me

Ryan & me

Picture Post Cop Out

I know just posting a tone of photos and not actually saying anything is a major cop out, I know this. But im gonna do it anyway, so nani nani boo boo

Ryan floating

Smile

The view from the towel

Holding hands

Juts love this pic

Beautiful day

Cool effect

Thinking about something... food

Ryan the matador

Beach pic!

Pack Mule  

They were so tired

OK OK OK so your wondering who this Ryan guy is. He's the guy I'm dating. It almost feels weird to say that, its been so long since Ive actually dated a real man. Hes really sweet, funny, kind & smart. Its like hanging out with a really good friend who I can kiss when I want to, which is really nice. We're taking things slow because he's still at GSU finishing up college. He's looking for a job in the south east so I'm hoping he moves to Atlanta as I'm so over long distance things, but whatever happens, happens. It feels really good to be in this kinda grown up relationship.

Now the fact that he's drunk on a random Monday night... well I guess its forgivable. But just this once.

What Im Giving Up For Lent

So this morning on the way to work from church, I was listening to a local radio station. And they were talking about what they gave up for Lent. One gave up sex & one caffeine. Of course, being in a holy state of mind, I was thinking about the #1 thing that comes between me and God 99.9% of the time. And I realised during mass that it's guys. Guys take up way to much of my time & energy. And so I decided to give them up. So I called the radio station and for a glorious 2 minutes I was on air, live for all of Atlanta to hear. And I told them I was giving up dating. Of course, they took it one step further and said I shouldn't take to any guys at all for 40 days & 40 nights, unless I really had to (work, my dad, drive through guy).

So they took down my phone number and in 40 days they're gonna call me back and ask how my 40 days went. I'm not so keen on the "don't talk to guys for 40 days - that seems a little extreme, but I'm not going on a date for the next 40 days. Thats my plan.

So what did you give up for lent?

Dates Dates & More Dates

Well I'm going on another hot date tonight! I feel pretty special having all these wonderful people in my life, who want to spend time with me :)

I am one very lucky lady!

I promise to do a post about all these wonderful people I've been going out with!

First Date #564

Well when this post posts, if blogger agrees with me, I will be at dinner with this guy:

We're going to call him....

Well I dont know yet, we've talked a little bit, but hes not much of a phone or txt guy... might not be the one for me, but hes nice. I guess we'll call him Mr Nice until I come up with a better name. lol.

Heres the low down on Mr Nice

Name: Mr Nice

Age: 31

Occupation: not really sure

Hes nice, kinda quiet, a little nerdy. But hes a sweet guy. Im not sure we'll be a good match, but we've been trying to meet up for dinner for a while. We've been chatting about a month, so the fact that I cant tell you much about him speaks volumes, but you never know, ya know... lol

He told me to pick the place, so Im going to be using my trusty Scoutmob app :)

 

Truth be told theres another guy Ive been chatting with for a few weeks, I havnt mentioned him on here, I guess Im trying not to jinx him. He has expressed a desire to meet, but with out actual plans, Im leaving him out of my blog. But when & if he does ask me out, Ill be sure to update yall. 

So dear boy, if your reading thing, you should ask me on a proper date. Im cute and funny and I promise it'll be a fun evening :)

**** UPDATE*****

Blogger must be on a completely different time frame from me, because this was suppose to post at 8.15pm and its now 10.15 and it still hasn't posted... weird. 

well on went on the "date", which was fine. Mr Nice was just like his name, nice. He likes his job, he talked a lot about it, about his friends and his new place. 

But there was no spark. Decent conversation, but I just couldn't see myself dating him. He'd been engaged 2x before. I just kinda felt like maybe I'd just be #3. 

I am excited about this weekend, Im going to church where Im hoping to join the Life Teen group and become a core member. Im really excited about this. 

I'm also thinking of joining weight watchers, has anyone else done WW? What did you think? 

God works in funny ways

As most of you know, since you read my blog every day, or at least when I post, things with me and JAB have been rocky here lately, to say the least. He's a wonderful guy, but we are so very very different and we want different things, value different things and are at different places in our lives. Its hard letting go of someone who was such a big part of my life for so long, but I am hoping we can be friends.

So a few days before thanksgiving I was talking to my mom about all my millions of failed relationships and I asked her what I should do, maybe join match.com because of the guarantee or catholicsingles.com to find someone. Instead, in all her mommy wisdom she said "you should be single for a while".

Point blank, I am not good at being single. I am a very co dependent person, and I like being part of an us. Im not a huge fan of dating, I much prefer relationships. But for once in my life I decided I would follow my mother's advice and be single. So I decided to swear off dating for a month and a half, til Jan 1 and see how it was.

Now everyone knows being single during the holidays is very very hard, but I figured if I put it off, I wouldn't do it, so I put myself on a dating hiatus.

Sounds like a great plan right? Ya I thought so too.

I decided this time I would be serious about it, I would really focus on being single. I went and removed my profile from match.com and disabled eharmony's emails, I look myself off catholicsingles.com and went private on OK cupid. The last site I went to was POF, plentyoffish.com. Its by far my favorite dating site, its free, its easy, and there are lots of guys.

Now like every site, the recommend guys for me, but I always ignore them because they never meet my criteria. But that night, a picture caught my eye.

This is PB dressed like Santa

and this is what his profile read:

I am actually a pretty simple guy who wants what everyone else wants: a chance to be with someone they can't (or don't want to) live without. This is not to say I am looking to get married next week or anything, so don't be afraid! :)

So what is it that I want? Hmm... good question. Here is a good start:

You..

- are sweet, kind, understanding, patient, and affectionate.

- like music, like being physically active, like receiving random texts to see how you are doing, like being shown attention without being over the top, and you like sports (at least a little).

- realize that not everything is based on looks, there is more to a person.

- don't use the term "down for whatever".

- can turn heads in a pair of jeans or in a little black dress.

- are confident.

- like spending time with the person you are with.

- are not judgmental about someone who doesn't have an executive level, 9-5 type job (because even though I have a good job, it's not a 9-5 thing).

- are not threatened by the fact that I have an opposite sex best friend and an opposite sex roommate.

- can adjust to ever-changing facial hair. :)

- can laugh at the world, and yourself, and can give it just as good as you take it.

- like the fact that some people have A LOT of layers to their personality.

- like to talk until two in the morning about nothing or because you can't sleep.

- think a hot dog and a beer at a ballgame is just as good as a five-star restaurant.

- like road trips.

- want to get to know me! (Probably the most important)

As for me, I:

- am all of the above, why would I expect anything I am not willing to give. Wait, minus the dress thing and maybe I might not like if you have facial hair like mine. The other stuff, completely there on that. :)

- prefer ACC football to SEC football (go Noles!)

- walk/run/go to the gym 4-5 times a week.

- love talking to interesting people who have an opinion and will fight for that opinion.

- will always be supportive and in your corner, even if I don't agree with what you are doing.

- will be there to pick you up and even carry you if the need arises.

- will cook for you on occasion. :)

- will sing for you (if you are really lucky).

I hope to hear from you soon. Take a chance, take a chance... (yes, Abba... don't judge me!)

 Now ladies, we all know the perfect man died a few 1000 years ago, on a cross, for our sins, so I know perfection is hard to find but a guy that has 90% of what I am looking for is someone to take note of, right?

But what about my dating hiatus? Well I figured I'd send him a quick message, just a quick HI and that would be it. Trust me, I was not expecting to hear anything back.

But the next day he emailed me...

To Be Continued....