Tell Us How You Really Feel...

I feel like I've failed as a friend this past month. I have been super moody, super snappy, super just not cool. *warning this post is about to get super personal*

I've been on my period for 47 days now. I did the math. Ive been though 4 boxes of tampons & a box of pads. Before this I hadn't had a period in prob 3 months. And no, I'm not on BC or anything like that because I haven't done anything in 3 years. Yes 3. That probably makes me a virgin again.

Between working out the swap issues, and now co-planning & hosting this bridal shower I am about to tear my hair out. Now Im having to orginize some big group trip to savannah this weekend and Im like NO! I dont want to see a bunch of people I hate. I dont want to go to a concert with them. I want to see my friends, visit David's grave and relax! And go to the bridal shower (that Im not planning).

Shall we start at the beginning? 1 1/2 months of a period is like hell. cramps, mood swings, you name it, I deal with it. So since we all know how crummy our period is for a week, imagine 5 1/5 weeks of it with no end in sight? It SUCKS!!!!!

Then lets add in David's death. I cry every night. I cry when I hear songs on the radio like this one:


Like right now, its playing in the background & Im sobbing like a baby. I havnt been to church since I leanred the news. I didnt go easter sunday either. I am so mad at god. How could he take daivd? He was that one guy who I knew would always look at me & see beautiful. He would always love me. He gave the kinds of hugs that last for hours. Who am I gonna call when I cant remember which mall in Savannah has which stores? Who will pick me and Courtney up from River Street at 3am? Whos gonna walk me down the aisle at my wedding if Daddy cant do it? Whos gonna marry me when Im 35 & cant find a hubby?


I want to put a photo of him on my desk at work, but I know I'll lose it every time I see it. I dont know how people get over the loss of a love one. I get so... mad... idk if thats even the right word... sad, mad, upset, jealous when I see happy people now. Even at work, when people call in about their spouses I feel a pain in my heart. How am I ever gonna feel ok?

so lets add on swap stress - I love hosting swaps. dont get me wrong, but when I lose emails and I cant figure out whos who and whats what - STRESS! this one is 100% my fault. I should have canceled it but I felt bad...

And now the wedding shower. Not only is the MOH a MOZ-zilla but shes a bitch. & Im staying with her for the wedding! argh! 4 days! I might kill someone! I already spent $30 on decorations for the party and shes all "I dont think they're gonna go with the theme". really? Its one damn banner & a center piece. and some cute napkins. but NO! they;re all going into a box for the next bachelorette party I throw. Heres the kicker. I dont want to order anything without her OK, so she doesnt freak out, but SHE DOESNT REPLY TO TXT MESSAGES OR EMAILS!!! I need her to take 10 min away from her stupid boyfriend (insert hormonal, lost david emotions here) and just say "yes or no"

And now the kicker - this weekend Im going to statesboro for a relaxing girls weekend and one of my friends is trying to drag me into this big event thing. I dont want to go!!! I dont want to see your stupid band, celebrate your bitchy friend's birthday with you & your fience & her fience! She is a crappy friend! She was a bitch to me & you & IDK why your friends with her. I want to spend my time with people I care about & miss.

I am planning on visiting David's grave. This is gonna be so hard for me. Ive never visited the grave of someone I knew before. Im bringing a huge box of tissues.

You would think after saying all this Id feel better right... nope. I feel just as stressed, just as sad, just as hormonal & mad as 45 min ago when I started this.

I guess I should close by saying Im sorry to those people I have taken all this out on,  my friends, my parents & yall now. I really dont know who to talk to about any of this. I stopped seeing my counselor, God only knows why. I dont pray anymore because when I do I just get mad & sad.

Bottom line is Im a mess. A big fat (oh ya - been trying to get healthy but Im pretty sure Im gaining weight!) emotional mess.

Wedding Help

So this summer I'm a brides maid in a wedding of a very dear friend of mine. I introduced her & her hubby to be when we we're all in college. Ashley (the bride) is getting married in the beautiful St. Marys GA

 

This is where she is having the ceremony!

Its gonna be HOT! but so pretty!

So her groom to be, Skyler, is from a family of all boys so all his family is throwing Ashley's showers, then her cousin & her sister are also hosting one. She is having a total of 8 showers! Crazy! And they're all themed. Now don't you go thinking Ashley's greedy, quite the opposite. Shes quite and doesn't like all the attention (lord knows why we were roommates, but it worked out) 

One of our dorm parties

So back to the wedding. She's getting married the 2nd weekend in June so I'm headed to town Thursday-Sunday for the wedding festivities. Nikki is her best friend and her MOH but she isn't too into weddings. She was married a few years ago but got divorced and so now she thinks weddings are a waste of time. She doesn't even want to plan a bachalorette party, which I think is a cryin shame! I really wanted to throw a shower, but Ashley said 8 was plenty. I've offered to host a mini bachelorette party / lingerie shower with Nikki, but I got a depressing email today from her:

 "Btw thx for reminding me I'm the moh. I'm just not into this at all. I think making such a big thing of a wedding and wedding party is a waste. I know that sounds awful, but I did all of it and it feels/felt like it was all for nothing. Anyways, I'm just trying to make it through this without pissing her off."

How sad is this? I want to just give her a swift kick in the pants and say "I know your marriage ended in divorce, but not everyones does and Ashley deserves to have the whole bridal experience. 

So Im thinking of offering to plan and host the bachelorette party, nothing fancy, and just have Nikki co host it AKA put her name on the invite. 

Im going to email a few people who are local to see if theres a space or restaurant we could have the shower at, give her the gifts and have little party favors. Heres what Im thinking:

Nice, simple & blue

With a blue bath bomb inside for a favor

Nothing super fancy or OOT, but still nice. Or should I just let the MOH handle this stuff, and possibly let Ashley go without? 

What A Weekend

The past few days have been a whirlwind! Nothing super exciting happening in my world, but on the grander scale, lots has happened.

Wednesday night was the start of really bad ad storms in Alabama. Waking up thursday morning, a huge tornado had ripped through the state and the devastation was terrible!

Then Friday was the Royal Wedding, at 4am

 

Saturday brought the beatification of Pope John Paul II

 

And tonight, sunday, Osama Bin Laden was pronounced dead

 

This weekend will fill an entire chapter in future history books, and I will have lived through it. This weekend had a lot of personal significance to me. Starting with the storms, I have a lot of friends who go to Bama & many friends on twitter who live there. I am glad that they all made it through safe & I continue to keep them in my prayers. 

The royal wedding was a big deal to me because I lived in Europe when Diana died. I put flowers at the tunnel in her memory. Seeing her son all grown up and marring a beautiful girl brought tears to my eyes. I know his mum is looking down and is so proud of her son!

Pope John Paul II will always have a special place in my heart! I saw him once when I was young. He was on his papal balcony when I visited Rome. I remember everyone cheering and taking photos but I dont remember seeing him. What I do know is how he made the youth of the church a priority and his faith & love made me a strong catholic. 

Lastly tonight I read on twitter, facebook and heard Obama give the great news that OBL had been killed. I still remember sept 11 2001, sitting in religion class, watching the news and not understanding what was going on. I didn't know what the towers were, or the pentagon. Im pretty sure I didnt know where PA was. But now I have many friends who's husbands, brothers, girlfriends, & sisters serve this great country as members of the armed forces. Tonight I say a special prayer for them. 

But in all this good news, my hear still hurts. I keep thinking about David & what he would have said about all this. He would have donated time & resources to Alabama, driving there to help those who had lost everything. He would have teased me for being so excited for a wedding I wasn't invited to. He would have prayed for JPII and been proud to be catholic. And he would have smiled big and proud upon hearing of OBL's death. David was one of the most patriotic people I've ever know, and I know he's sitting in heaven with all those people who lost their lives sept 11 2001 and spitting on OBL as he makes his way to hell.