1 Year Ago

One year ago was August 31 2010 and I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I packed up my home, my dreams, my plans into a uhaul truck and I moved to Carrolton, GA.

Now I'm sure some of you are thinking "what so bad about Carrolton?" and the answer is nothing. There's a target and a Kroger so the city itself isn't that bad. Its the reason I moved. I moved for a guy, my boyfriend at the time, JAB. I know my long time readers remember him. You also probably remember how miserable I was when I was there.

 I had no friends, no job, and I wasn't in school. At first I thought it would be OK, getting to see JAB every day after being long distance for 6 months.

Boy was I wrong. It took about a month or so for me to realize that he didn't like spending time with me because it took away from his friend time. He lived in a big house with a bunch of guys and he wanted to spend all his time with them. I went from being important to going to the back burner.

Then he lost his job and he lost all interest in everything. He was moody and hateful to me, removed from his friends. He just sunk into a horrible place and pushed away everyone that he cared about, especially me.

Finally in November I got a grown up job back in Atlanta. My parents welcomed me home with open arms and I left JAB and Carrolton behind in the dirt.

In some ways this is a thank-you post to my parents for allowing me to make mistakes on my own and being there to help dust me off when I fell.  Or maybe it's my way of forgiving JAB for everything he put me through. Either way I learned a major life lesson -

NEVER FOLLOW SOMEONE ELSE, FORGE YOUR OWN PATH

So that's what I'm doing now, forging my own path. I'm getting control of my life, figuring out what the next step is, living my life for myself, not anyone else.

Why Holidays Hurt

I know most people spend their whole year looking forward to holidays, and I used to be one of those people. But in the last few years I have had the worst holidays. They always seem to bring out my depression and I end up spending the majority of the day in bed crying. I hate this. I want to love and look forward to holidays like the rest of the world! But more and more now I dread them. I have started sending cute holiday cards to friends and family to put me in the mood but its becoming more of a chore now since no one seems to even notice I send them.

I've been thinking about the last round of holidays and how they were spent -

My 24th birthday (Oct 6) - did nothing during the day, but I did get some really sweet cards from bloggy friends which totally made my day. That night JAB took me to his favorite restaurant (O'Charlies) and then to a movie he wanted to see. He refused to spend the night with me, so I slept alone at my place. 99% sure I cried myself to sleep. All I could think about was how I was 24 and a mess - thank you depression!

Halloween (Oct 31) - I had a cute costume picked out and even planned coordinating costumes for me and JAB. Spent all day working on them when he decided he didnt want to go out. He told me he hated halloween and it was stupid. Everyone else already had plans and I wasnt (and am still not) confident to go out alone, so I stayed home and watched TV alone. Another cry myself to sleep night, missing my college friends.

Thanksgiving (Nov) - I had just started my new job so that was helping battle the depression, the busier I stay the better I feel. But we had a 4 day weekend so it snuck back quickly. I dont remember doing anything special, my family spent 3 ruff hours together at the country club on thursday but that was all the family time we had. I remember I was sick with a terrible cold so Im sure I spent most of the time off sick in bed watching TV and crying. Depression & sickness (like cold or flu) are a horrible pair.

Christmas (Dec 25) - 3 day weekend, and I was sick AGAIN. I got drunk by myself christmas morning so I would just giggle through the painful ordeal with my family. Then I think I took myself to a movie and spent the rest of the weekend looking for receipts to return everything I was given. I dont think there was as much crying but thats because I tried to stay as drunk as possible that weekend.

New Years Eve (Dec 31) - sick AGAIN. I was sick for 3 months strait, and I was too busy with work training to actually go to the dr and get something for my cold. I took the last day of training off and saw the doc, where I got a slue of cold meds. I was in a medicated coma for NYE which I spent in bed. My parents always remind me that NYE is the end of a really disappointing holiday season and I shouldn't put so much emphasis on things like that. Let me tell you how that made me feel, depressed, stupid for caring and mad at my self for caring and wanting a special holiday season.

Valentines Day (Feb 14) - I worked, where as 99% of my office took the holiday off. I had dinner with LR which was fun, I tried to talk her into having dinner 2x a month but she said she didnt want to commit to that. I was 100% single and all the guys I was talking to at the time had dates... que depressed crying myself to sleep...

St. Patties Day (March 17) - I'm Irish so I should love this holiday but this year it was on like a tuesday, so I might have had a beer that night but nothing special. I had no one to go to a bar with, no one to drink green beer with and so I figured "whats the point". Not sure about tears this night, but there very well could have been.

and now we have arrived as Easter Sunday - an important day for catholics and christians alike. A day to spend with family, eating and drinking and opening easter baskets and being happy together. It celebrates the beginning of spring, new life and rebirth. Its 2.45pm and Ive already cried 2x. It doesn't help that I had an amazing improv show on fri so Im coming down off that high, no one I invited showed up for the show except for my parents and 1 friend. And my plans last night got canceled. Today my parents went to mass without me, my mom is leaving (just left) to visit my sister and then onto upstate NY to be with her family. My dad is out in the garden doing his own thing and Im in my room, in my PJs writing this blog post. I doubt I'll bother going to church, too many families and happy faces, Im pretty sure Id end up leaving mid mass. I'll just say my own little easter prayer in my room. I didnt bother to pick out any sort of easter outfit since I knew Id have nowhere to wear it. I sent out 30 easter cards to friends and family & I got 1 mass txt from a college girlfriend. I'm reading everyones easter posts and twitter feeds, people in beautiful lilly dresses, drinking and eating with friends and family. My one saving grace today is Im going to see my college bff as she drives through ATL on her way back to KY where she lives.

When I was little we, as in my family & I, used to make a big deal out of holidays. We would decorate the house and have dinners, go on trips, take photos, really celebrate the holiday. Now its the opposite. No one cares enough to do anything. My parents tell me holidays are for families, and now that the kids are all grown up its a  waste of money and resources. If thats the case, then why is it that everyone I know looks forward to holidays. They give gifts, eat meals together, take photos, & dress up.

Am I crazy for wanting to love holidays again? Is it wrong that I want to feel the joy & love everyone else feels on holiday? Or should I just agree with my parents and forget holidays all together?

Life Update

After looking at my phone to figure out what day it is I figured I might as well drag myself to my laptop and write a post about my life at the moment. I went home to Atlanta for the weekend, just to get away from this horrible town. I drove over an hour to meet a women who said she wanted to take Rhett (according to my apartment I cant have him any more and I owe them $250 + they might decide to evict me). She changed her mind when she saw that he needed to be groomed.

I went shopping and bought some things for my various blog swaps and a few gifts for some friends, only to come to find out that a check I got from selling a friend some clothing bounced so I only have $60 till the 1st of Oct and I need gas and groceries.

Looks like I wont be going to see Luke Bryan because I cant afford a $20 tix.

I was fully prepared to find a part time job today, I got up early, unpacked a load from my car and checked my mail to get a nice letter from UWG saying they dont want me. After 2 interviews and me telling them all my knowledge of phone centers, they chose to hire someone else. So that dream job Ive been praying for every night and Ive blogged about multiple times, ya, didnt get it. I now have the letter hanging above me desk.

So right now Im sitting in front of my computer, my home is a mess, I cant afford to buy gas to look for a job, I have no job prospects, I have no puppy to comfort me, JAB is at work and doesnt know about the job yet, my parents are "disappointed in me" for not getting the job, I still have no friends here, Im broke, my bff AT is coming to ATL this weekend but cant spare 10 min from her boyfriend to even see me, I keep getting invited to events back in my college town, my college bff JSO is not only married but preggers and due in dec (so much for our holiday plans). To say that Im not having a good day, week, month, year, would be pretty exact.

Oh and to add to my stress, my period is late and Im panicking.

Now im headed back to my car to get my blanket and pillow and Im going to sob in bed for a few hours.

Oh ya - and bc I dont have a job I cant afford to go to the doctor to get more anti-depressants, so things are only looking down.