Im Back!!

Y'all I am so sorry I have been to absent here lately. October was one crazy month!

Last weekend my best friend became a MRS and so I've been up to my ears in wedding stuff. It happens. After the wedding, after quite a few drinks my parents & Ryan (who all attending the wedding) decided the words wedding & marriage were off limits for me for the next 2 months. Good thing they don't read my blog!

Here are some photos:

This is the bride to be with her shower gift from me

Us at the rehursal

The bride to be & her dad

After make up

Bride's Bitch & the Bride

MOH touching up makeup

Walk down the asile

First Kiss

The new Mrs Barker

Look at her dress!

Ryan & I

Leaving on their honeymoon

So thats where I've been the last month or so. Im currently looking for new jobs in atlanta. I have been applying to a few each night hoping for something. Im looking to go into the higher education field so if you have any tips or leads, let me know.

I am obsessed with the Post Secret app on my iPhone. LOVE it!

Ryan & I are doing well. He thinks Im crazy but now that wedding season is over life should calm down a bit.

I ordered an iPhone 4s! Thank G because my 3G is on its last legs. I am looking for a case though - I thought I saw one on a blog once. Its really pretty and there is a space for credit cards & ID in the back? if you know where to buy one please tell me!

Labor Day Weekend

So labor day weekend is 3 days away and I am having mixed emotions about the whole thing.

My childhood nanny is flying in from Ireland on Thursday to spend a week here, but I wont be here this weekend. I'm going to Valdasta to visit Ryan's friends and family.

I am excited to get away from Atlanta of course, but I'm dreading the drive (4+ hours not including labor day traffic) meting his best friends (gotta make a good impression) and dealing with his family's drama (divorce, fighting, all that can of worms).

I wanted Ryan to come to Atlanta and visit here but my parents & nanny are going to NC and mom expressly said Ryan wasn't invited. So he made plans to go to Valdasta, with or without me. His friends were meeting, this is like the only time I'll ever get to meet them as they live in FL and don't have any reason to visit statesboro or Atlanta.

I'm sad because Maeve, my nanny is coming such a long way to visit my family and I'll be missing out on 3 days of her time, but I know I'd be miserable in NC doing nothing for labor day.

Hopefully we'll have lots of fun the next week while shes here - going to an improv show, dinner out, maybe some local museums etc. I just wish I wasn't so busy and she was spending more time in the US.

I am excited to meet 2 of Ryan's best friends, but I'm nervous too. They have a brand new baby, and are married. AKA we have nothing in common. I'm going to be the only one who doesn't know everyone there. I want to believe he will make me comfortable but I know how guys get, they forget about their gfs when they're with their friends.

I'm also super nervous to be at the lake. I'm not comfortable with my body and I'm doing weight watchers but I don't feel like Ive lost much. I am eating better through. I just know how uncomfortable it can  be for me to be in a swim suite around people I dont know.

Im also nervous because all the 1st impressions I have of Ryan's friends and them of me hasn't exactly been stellar. I'm just very different then these people. Hopefully Im worried for nothing... hopefully

Life Lessons

So I've been dating Ryan for about 4 months and its been wonderful, except of course, for the long distance thing. That sucks. I've never spent a Tuesday or Wednesday with him and only a few hours on a Thursday once. Its weird to think about. Knowing how much I like him, but I don't know what its like to kiss him on a Tuesday. It scares me a little bit. A lot of things about the relationship are scaring me. Maybe I'm just crazy but maybe not. I just keep getting flashes from my ex boyfriends, past relationships and I see myself repeating the same things.

This weekend I asked Ryan what he wanted from his life, what his life dreams were. He didn't hesitate, he knew exactly what he wanted. He wants a good paying job, a house somewhere in the south, a wife and a few kids, 2 vacations a year and to live comfortably. He knows when he's done with school in Dec, he knows what field he's going into and he knows hes gonna enjoy his work.

When he said that I saw flash backs of so many of my exs. They all said something similar. And they're all married. They married southern, home town kinda girls. Girls with deep roots and domestic skills, girls who wanted to have kids by 26 and dreamed of a mini van.

These are what I call backyard, neighborhood dreams. They are dreams, but they are very white picket fence, and so settled.

I start to hyperventilate when I think about this. I just.... I dream bigger. I want to visit Australia, go surfing Christmas morning, I want to meet the Dali lama, I want to see a penguin in its natural habitat, I want to make real red sauce in Italy, I want to take a vodka shot in Russia for David, I want to live overseas again, follow my aunts footsteps through Greece. I want to live a big, full life. I want to have a house and kids too but not soon. I want to run wild, learn everything I can. I want to take a big chuck out of life. back back through Europe, volunteer in china.

Once Ive lived as much as I can, I wanrt to settle down & start a family. Hopefully move them to europe or africa or new zeland and let them grow up in a diffrent culture like i did.

But i realise that Im almost 25 and Im not getting any younger. I dont have a lot of time to do all this, or maybe I do. But these things dont even light a spark in Ryan, he doesnt have any interest in doing thissort of thing.

Now Im not gonna let someone else stop me from doing what I want to do, but theres a part of me asking why bother staying with him if we are so damn different. I left the other guys who wanted what he eanted & now they're happily married.

Another thing that I see from past relationships happening again, is me falling harder for him then he has for me. Where he was quick to fall in love & I was a little slower with the falling in love part. But now he's slowing down, withdrawing where as Im settling in for a long term relationship. I guess Im wondering if this is just a fun summer fling. Maybe Im looking way to much into this, but I just feeling like im doing what Ive done a thousand times, lining myself up for heart break. I'll be much more invested then he is and when it doesn't work out Ill get hurt.

I want to throw the breaks on my feelings, slow down, back up even. Just regain my footing and hold off for a while. Im afraid to get super attached. I don't want to put all my cards on the table, I want him to have to chase me, because I can already see the thrill of the chase is wearing off and he's getting comfortable.

One lesson I am taking from past relationships is Im not spilling everything to him. I'm not using his as my only confidente. Im trying to not open up to him about a lot of person stuff at all, because Ive learned that thats the kind of emotional luggage men don't want.

Am I doing the right thing trying to learn from my past? or should I be looking at this entire thing with a clean slate?

This Weekend

This is me most weeks. I work M-F just to make it to the weekend where I can see Ryan and be away from the craziness that is atlanta. This week I was really looking forward to the weekend because he was coming to visit! Going to meet my parents, visit my city, meet my friends. But he called on tuesday and said he couldnt make it :(

So Ive been dreading this weekend all week. I have nothing to do, no fun plans, no nothing. But Im trying to make the best of it. Ive given myself a few things to do - 

 First thing is in the morning Im going here:

To get someone to fix my phone, because it says this:

And of course my boy genius of a boyfriend is too busy to even IM me and help me out. Im praying its a easy and free fix because Im broke and I cant afford a new phone any time soon :(

Then Im off to this amazing place - a 15 mile drive! to get a paper cutter thing that Ive been saving for for a few weeks. Im hoping it will improve my crafts.

The tomorrow night my friend is doing this show and Im going to go and support him, plus Ive never seen it and its a musical so hopefully it will lift my spirits. 

Sunday Im going out with Brandon (Brews_Bowties) for his birthday. This isnt really set in stone, fact is I dont expect him to show up, but you never know. 

In the mean time this weekend will be 

Sleep

Sleep

and more sleep

Semi Wordless Wedding Wednesday

In case you were wondering, long distance sucks. I miss Ryan every day. I want him around, just to sit in the same room, watch TV together, stick my feet under his leg when they're cold - the little stuff. The longer I'm alone the more romantic notions I get, so here they are

Dancing in the rain

Watching the clouds

Walking on the beach

Romantic car ride

Yes - I want my life to be an 80s movie

Boating in NYC

Kissing in the rain

Carriage rides

The Big L Word

dum dum dum dum dummmmmmm...

I bet you're thinking "awww, they said they love each other this weekend and shes about to blog all about it. Sorry to disappoint, that didn't happen. I think it might happen, in the next few months, but not yet. I'm still holding back on falling that hard, part of the "don't get hurt" again game plan.

No, the L word I'm referring to is LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP

I realize its 3 words and not 1, but I figure if you've been reading my blog for a while you know that I take some creative licence with my posts.

So I'm going to come out and admit it.... kind of like a support group. I'm in a long distance relationship (from now on referred to as LDR) AGAIN

I know I have some readers who have been reading my blog since the beginning, like a year or 2 ago. & I have some readers who are my IRL friends and know more about me then I care to admit (you know who you are).  But I know most of my readers are new, and don't know me very well - trust me, your better off that way lol. But the simple fact is, 90% of my past relationships have been LDRs. I would date guys who lived in Atlanta while I was in college, who lived in Savannah (an hour away), or at least guys who lived 45 min away. The few times I dated a local guy it was over within weeks. 

And we all know how much of an epic fail moving to be with a guy was, AKA my last relationship, giving up everything (worst decision ever). 

So I promised myself that I wouldn't do it again. I'd date someone local, someone I could see 3-4 times a week, go to trivia with, have date night, just hang out with on a random Tuesday. I tried to date local Atlanta guys, epic fail again (notice a pattern yet?). Heck there were dates I didn't even blog about because I was just too embarrassed to tell y'all that another one hadn't worked out. 

So after promising myself that I wouldn't do long distance, I go and meet Ryan. 

Looking cute for his best friend's wedding

Ryan lives in statesboro, 178 miles from my house to his, front door to front door. For the last month or so, every Friday has been get off work, fly down I75 to I16 and drive the 3.5 hours to get to spend just 2 measly days with him. Worth it, yes, exhausting, you have no idea. My room is a disaster, I haven't been to the gym in ages, my gas bill is out the roof, my car's a mess and I spend $15 a week on books on CD for the trip.

Don't get me wrong, I love being back in my college town, eating cheap food & Mexican and going to the beach. I love it. But I know I cant do it forever. I cant afford it, my car cant handle the miles and I'm gonna need some time to see my girl friends.

But what can I do? He's in the process of looking for a grown up job, but he hasn't heard anything. I pray every night that he gets a job in Atlanta. But hes applied all over the South East. And now if he doesn't get a grown up job he's going to take another 6 months of college courses 178 miles away. The perk is this fall for football season I'll have somewhere to stay & party, but I know I wont be able to go down there every weekend.

I'm truly worried he's gonna get a job in Jacksonville, or somewhere super far away. I just don't know if I can keep seeing him if he lives so far. I know from experience that when I live apart from my guy, a few things happen.
A. My interest wonders, I start looking for "platonic" male friends to fill the void
B. I start creating the relationship in my mind, sometimes to the point where I will fall in love with the idea of him that I create, but then I get disappointed when he doesn't live up to my prince charming fantasy.



I dont want to break up with him, I really like him. He's just so kind, and caring and attentive and he makes me laugh and thinks I'm just beautiful. He introduces me to his friends and is proud to be seen with me. He likes my goofy friends and is excited to meet my family. He doesn't mind that I'm a southern Yankee. This is not the kind of guy that you come across often, but I'm still worried about getting hurt, again. I spent 8 months alone just trying to get over 5 years of heartbreak. I'm not ready to get hurt again.

I wonder, how far is too far? How did you keep your long distance romance alive? What should I do? 

LOVE my followers

Just a super quick post to say thank you for all the kind words and notes! Y'all are just so amazing. I was a little surprised by the comments I got on my last post because they were all on my side, saying I was trying by best & maybe I need to just let some people go. I was almost expecting people to tell me how mean I was being or something.

I wrote that post to get my feelings out but also to try and reach out to the person who the whole story was about. Needless to say, reading her twitter today and her friends twitter confirmed that she isn't the friend I thought she was. I guess she saw my post as a "pity party" when it was intended to be an "olive branch - I'm really sorry" post. At this point I'm going to send her her keychain, with a letter that I doubt I'll get a response to. Part of me still wants to send an email to say sorry again, but then theres the part of me that sees her just bashing me on twitter and being really horrid if I was to try such a thing.

I should be packing for yet another drive to statesboro this weekend. There's just something about this face that makes me want to fly 200 miles down a highway just to see him for 2 days

 

"Domestic Goddess"

If there is one thing  I can say without a doubt, is that I am not a domestic goddess. I do not like to clean, or tidy up, I don't like chores or organizing. This has always been a bit of a sore spot with ex boyfriends, as they wanted someone to look after them as well as their home. I was not that girl. Maybe a load of laundry from time to time, but thats about it. I'm more of a "work hard to afford to hire a maid" type then a "clean it myself and be a stay at home wife type". Just like my mom.

I can cook and I love to cook when I'm in the mood, but thats normally only after watching Top Chef & then I just go crazy in the kitchen. I do love to bake though. But when it comes to actually planning a meal, I suck. I just get overwhelmed and then in the middle of cooking I get distracted or bored and lose interest. But this weekend, in the theme of impressing Ryan & showing him that I can cook, I'm going to make a 3 course meal.

Heres the issue, I have NO idea what to make. Most of my specialists are big meals for 5-6 people (used to feeding a boyfriend & all his roommates) & most of the stuff I make is winter kinda food.

I need help y'all. I need a light, summer meal (it'll be in the 90s this weekend) thats not too hard, really yummy and can be made in a small kitchen.

I ordered this book but Im worried it wont come in time and I refuse to pay double the price to buy it at the Barns & Noble around the corner. I'm going to call the local library & see if they have a copy.

Do you have a recipe you swear by that totally impresses guys? Please help this un-domestic goddess out!

It's Official!

We I guess I'm off the single band wagon. Ryan asked me to be his girlfriend this past saturday night. Now mind you this was after a day of drinking at the beach, a double crown & coke at dinner & 2 large wet willies, so he might have not realized what he was doing. lol. I waited till sunday, about 12.05am to say yes  just to keep him on his toes. I even asked twitter :)

So now that I'm a girl friend, I'll be spending even more time in the car so Im gonna need some good books on CD to keep me awake. What fun, easy reads have you read lately that you can recommend?

Here are some pics of this weekend -

Tybee Lighthouse

This funny little bird never moved

Smile!

Again

All dressed up to go out

Ryan was sick of pictures

Us being silly after quite a few drinks

Stephen, Michele & me

Ryan & me

Picture Post Cop Out

I know just posting a tone of photos and not actually saying anything is a major cop out, I know this. But im gonna do it anyway, so nani nani boo boo

Ryan floating

Smile

The view from the towel

Holding hands

Juts love this pic

Beautiful day

Cool effect

Thinking about something... food

Ryan the matador

Beach pic!

Pack Mule  

They were so tired

OK OK OK so your wondering who this Ryan guy is. He's the guy I'm dating. It almost feels weird to say that, its been so long since Ive actually dated a real man. Hes really sweet, funny, kind & smart. Its like hanging out with a really good friend who I can kiss when I want to, which is really nice. We're taking things slow because he's still at GSU finishing up college. He's looking for a job in the south east so I'm hoping he moves to Atlanta as I'm so over long distance things, but whatever happens, happens. It feels really good to be in this kinda grown up relationship.

Now the fact that he's drunk on a random Monday night... well I guess its forgivable. But just this once.