Life Lessons

So I've been dating Ryan for about 4 months and its been wonderful, except of course, for the long distance thing. That sucks. I've never spent a Tuesday or Wednesday with him and only a few hours on a Thursday once. Its weird to think about. Knowing how much I like him, but I don't know what its like to kiss him on a Tuesday. It scares me a little bit. A lot of things about the relationship are scaring me. Maybe I'm just crazy but maybe not. I just keep getting flashes from my ex boyfriends, past relationships and I see myself repeating the same things.

This weekend I asked Ryan what he wanted from his life, what his life dreams were. He didn't hesitate, he knew exactly what he wanted. He wants a good paying job, a house somewhere in the south, a wife and a few kids, 2 vacations a year and to live comfortably. He knows when he's done with school in Dec, he knows what field he's going into and he knows hes gonna enjoy his work.

When he said that I saw flash backs of so many of my exs. They all said something similar. And they're all married. They married southern, home town kinda girls. Girls with deep roots and domestic skills, girls who wanted to have kids by 26 and dreamed of a mini van.

These are what I call backyard, neighborhood dreams. They are dreams, but they are very white picket fence, and so settled.

I start to hyperventilate when I think about this. I just.... I dream bigger. I want to visit Australia, go surfing Christmas morning, I want to meet the Dali lama, I want to see a penguin in its natural habitat, I want to make real red sauce in Italy, I want to take a vodka shot in Russia for David, I want to live overseas again, follow my aunts footsteps through Greece. I want to live a big, full life. I want to have a house and kids too but not soon. I want to run wild, learn everything I can. I want to take a big chuck out of life. back back through Europe, volunteer in china.

Once Ive lived as much as I can, I wanrt to settle down & start a family. Hopefully move them to europe or africa or new zeland and let them grow up in a diffrent culture like i did.

But i realise that Im almost 25 and Im not getting any younger. I dont have a lot of time to do all this, or maybe I do. But these things dont even light a spark in Ryan, he doesnt have any interest in doing thissort of thing.

Now Im not gonna let someone else stop me from doing what I want to do, but theres a part of me asking why bother staying with him if we are so damn different. I left the other guys who wanted what he eanted & now they're happily married.

Another thing that I see from past relationships happening again, is me falling harder for him then he has for me. Where he was quick to fall in love & I was a little slower with the falling in love part. But now he's slowing down, withdrawing where as Im settling in for a long term relationship. I guess Im wondering if this is just a fun summer fling. Maybe Im looking way to much into this, but I just feeling like im doing what Ive done a thousand times, lining myself up for heart break. I'll be much more invested then he is and when it doesn't work out Ill get hurt.

I want to throw the breaks on my feelings, slow down, back up even. Just regain my footing and hold off for a while. Im afraid to get super attached. I don't want to put all my cards on the table, I want him to have to chase me, because I can already see the thrill of the chase is wearing off and he's getting comfortable.

One lesson I am taking from past relationships is Im not spilling everything to him. I'm not using his as my only confidente. Im trying to not open up to him about a lot of person stuff at all, because Ive learned that thats the kind of emotional luggage men don't want.

Am I doing the right thing trying to learn from my past? or should I be looking at this entire thing with a clean slate?