Monday, August 29, 2011

Life Lessons

So I've been dating Ryan for about 4 months and its been wonderful, except of course, for the long distance thing. That sucks. I've never spent a Tuesday or Wednesday with him and only a few hours on a Thursday once. Its weird to think about. Knowing how much I like him, but I don't know what its like to kiss him on a Tuesday. It scares me a little bit. A lot of things about the relationship are scaring me. Maybe I'm just crazy but maybe not. I just keep getting flashes from my ex boyfriends, past relationships and I see myself repeating the same things.

This weekend I asked Ryan what he wanted from his life, what his life dreams were. He didn't hesitate, he knew exactly what he wanted. He wants a good paying job, a house somewhere in the south, a wife and a few kids, 2 vacations a year and to live comfortably. He knows when he's done with school in Dec, he knows what field he's going into and he knows hes gonna enjoy his work.

When he said that I saw flash backs of so many of my exs. They all said something similar. And they're all married. They married southern, home town kinda girls. Girls with deep roots and domestic skills, girls who wanted to have kids by 26 and dreamed of a mini van.

These are what I call backyard, neighborhood dreams. They are dreams, but they are very white picket fence, and so settled.

I start to hyperventilate when I think about this. I just.... I dream bigger. I want to visit Australia, go surfing Christmas morning, I want to meet the Dali lama, I want to see a penguin in its natural habitat, I want to make real red sauce in Italy, I want to take a vodka shot in Russia for David, I want to live overseas again, follow my aunts footsteps through Greece. I want to live a big, full life. I want to have a house and kids too but not soon. I want to run wild, learn everything I can. I want to take a big chuck out of life. back back through Europe, volunteer in china.

Once Ive lived as much as I can, I wanrt to settle down & start a family. Hopefully move them to europe or africa or new zeland and let them grow up in a diffrent culture like i did.

But i realise that Im almost 25 and Im not getting any younger. I dont have a lot of time to do all this, or maybe I do. But these things dont even light a spark in Ryan, he doesnt have any interest in doing thissort of thing.

Now Im not gonna let someone else stop me from doing what I want to do, but theres a part of me asking why bother staying with him if we are so damn different. I left the other guys who wanted what he eanted & now they're happily married.

Another thing that I see from past relationships happening again, is me falling harder for him then he has for me. Where he was quick to fall in love & I was a little slower with the falling in love part. But now he's slowing down, withdrawing where as Im settling in for a long term relationship. I guess Im wondering if this is just a fun summer fling. Maybe Im looking way to much into this, but I just feeling like im doing what Ive done a thousand times, lining myself up for heart break. I'll be much more invested then he is and when it doesn't work out Ill get hurt.

I want to throw the breaks on my feelings, slow down, back up even. Just regain my footing and hold off for a while. Im afraid to get super attached. I don't want to put all my cards on the table, I want him to have to chase me, because I can already see the thrill of the chase is wearing off and he's getting comfortable.

One lesson I am taking from past relationships is Im not spilling everything to him. I'm not using his as my only confidente. Im trying to not open up to him about a lot of person stuff at all, because Ive learned that thats the kind of emotional luggage men don't want.

Am I doing the right thing trying to learn from my past? or should I be looking at this entire thing with a clean slate?

3 comments:

Bridget @ Think Classy said...

I'm going to tell you the cold hard honest truth: Get rid of him.

He doesn't have the same dreams nor does he seem to have any interest. If he's getting comfortable now after only months of dating, imagine years.

You're having these emotions and doubts because you KNOW he's not right for you but you don't want to be lonely because you feel being lonely and single sucks more--well guess what, it sucks a whole lot more when you're in a relationship with someone you have to play mind games with or feel inadequate with. TRUST ME.

Get rid of him, save yourself some gas money and use that money to buy new shoes for yourself.

Courtney said...

B,

I know exactly how you feel! Right now, in my life, I feel disconnected. Here I am, almost 25 and I'm going back to school for Nursing. I have a marriage under my belt but I now know that I wasn't ready for it. And now I have a boyfriend who loves me dearly. Sometimes it scares me because I don't want to settle down until I've traveled and gotten my degree.

I want to live my life and experience it with passion. It's perfectly fine to want that and in time you'll find someone who feels the same way!

Enjoy your relationships and the passions you have now. It makes for a full life.

I love you!

Alexandra said...

It seems like you are torn between two things- being in a relationship and traveling/following your dreams. It sounds like you aren't ready for a long term relationship because there is still so much you want to do. I agree with the girl who commented above- save your gas money, but instead of buying shoes, put it in a travel money jar. You never know, maybe you will find a great guy who loves to travel WHILE you travel. And maybe at that time you will be ready to settle down. And you'll have someone that wants to travel the world while "settled down" too.

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