Friday, October 1, 2010

Promise

I Promise

Dear Reader,
this post may disturb you, or cause you to stop reading my blog. I hope this isn't the case. But I am willing to take that chance.

I broke down today. JAB came over to help me with my microwave, I was annoyed because he took his time coming over, and we had a fight. Normally these fights last like 2 min before we start laughing about something. This time wasnt like that. This time I let all the pain and hurt pour out. He kicked my trashcan and I told him to hit me. I told him to hit me like all the others did. I told him to punish me for doing wrong, and when he didn't, I punished myself. I began to hit myself while he watched. I hit myself hard, on my arms and on my torso. My only intention was to cause myself pain. Most of you prob dont understand why I would do this, and I can't tell me. When I get sad, and upset and depressed, I feel the need to punish myself when I feel I do something wrong. Its a hard feeling to understand, and to explain. You literally dont know where you are, or whats going on, you are in a fog of pain and suffering. I didnt even realize I was hitting myself until I dropped to the floor in tears. JAB looked scared, he didnt know what was going on. He could only watch.


As I sat there, with JAB holding me, I just couldnt take it any more. I hurt, everywhere, my body hurts, my heart hurts, my mind hurts. I finally realized that I needed to seek help. I can not continue to feel the way I have been feeling. I need to talk to someone, talk out my feelings, talk about the things that haunt me, and change my mind set.

This is me, here, today, making a promise to you, my reader, my friend
I promise to get help
I promise to find a way to end the pain I feel
I promise to help myself
I am going to talk to my parents when I see them this next week and figure out a way to see a counselor. I need to have someone to talk to, to help me work through all this pain and depression. I just can not live with it any longer. 
I promise never to let it get this bad again

I will leave you with this

11 comments:

Preppy Pink Crocodile said...

Oh please please keep your promise to get professional help!! My heart breaks for you. While I don't know the physical pain, I very much know your psycological pain. Don't wait- get help now! It is worth every penny and many health plans offer coverage.

The thing with me is that I internalize EVERYTHING in life and little by little I have grown more comfortable letting it out to friends and even on my blog. I am ALWAYS terrified when I post something. And am ALWAYS amazed at the positive response and the relief I feel the next day.

Rip off the band-aid sugar, and get the help you absolutely deserve!

Polish and Pearls said...

I hate that you're going through this, but so glad you're getting help! Please keep us posted!

Crazy Shenanigans said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're in so much pain. I hope things get better for you!!!

Sarah Wyland said...

It breaks my heart that you're going through this! I've never met you, but I just want to hug you. You've already taken a strong step forward by posting this. I have a lot of admiration for you for that.

Stay strong. You can do this.

Royar said...

I'm so happy that you have made this decision and I hope you can begin your healing soon. Sending you a big hug right now!

High Heeled Life said...

Oh my dearest.. Know that you are not alone!!!

Speaking to someone will definitely be a start... you may even consider speaking with a preist or pastor. There are support groups too that you may find helpful. Feel free to drop me an email anytime ... I'm not a professional, nor do I claim to have all if any answers .. but I am willing to share things I have gone through and what I have found to work...

In my thoughts and in my prayers.. HHL

Cap Creations said...

I haven't got a clue what you are feeling but I do know that you are treasured. He died for all of us including you. So please do get that help you are talking about and get yourself better even if you do it for none other than to bring glory to HIM!

Bury your head in your bible and seek Him.

The Lord is good, a Strength and Stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows (recognizes, has knowledge of, and understands) those who take refuge and trust in Him. Nahum 1:7 (AMP)

*danielle said...

Boys suck. I hate that it's come to this. I'm so mad at that stupid idiot back in high school... Avoid the losers who make you feel the need to hurt yourself - and definitely, definitely learn to find better ways to get your anger/frustration/sadness out. I really hope your parents can help you find a counselor to talk through everything. I've never actually been to one, but my sister and niece both LOVE going to their sessions (they do group & individual) because they have met so many people going through the same things as them. And it has definitely made them both much more confident and eager to take on the world. Good luck, chica.

Mrs. Jones said...

Sweetheart, you are in my prayers. I have battled depression, and it is something that you definitely need to get help with. I hope your parents listen and that you are able to get exactly what you need. Let me know if you ever need to talk - er, chat!
XOXO - and many, many prayers!

Ruth said...

I am glad you have decided to get some help. I hate you are going through such a tough time though.

hugs are being sent to you.

DSS said...

I am just now catching up from posts from Friday on, and I've read all of your posts from Venting Post on. You have every right to be upset with JAB. I hope you realize that :) And you have every right to be angry and mad, and sometimes that hurts. BUT...you shouldn't hurt yourself :( And I know you know that. And I'm so glad you know that. Because you know that, you are going to be okay. I believe that so very much! I hope that you did take the time to talk with your parents, and I know that together you will decide the best course of action.

You are NOT alone in the way that you feel. I have had so many friends, beautiful & successful girls, that have felt the same way. And who have wanted to hurt themselves. Some have been able to see that they needed help, and they are flourishing today! And those that weren't able to see or admit that they needed help are still struggling.

We are all here to support you!! Please keep us posted.

xoxo,
T

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