Sunday, May 15, 2011

Tell Us How You Really Feel...

I feel like I've failed as a friend this past month. I have been super moody, super snappy, super just not cool. *warning this post is about to get super personal*

I've been on my period for 47 days now. I did the math. Ive been though 4 boxes of tampons & a box of pads. Before this I hadn't had a period in prob 3 months. And no, I'm not on BC or anything like that because I haven't done anything in 3 years. Yes 3. That probably makes me a virgin again.

Between working out the swap issues, and now co-planning & hosting this bridal shower I am about to tear my hair out. Now Im having to orginize some big group trip to savannah this weekend and Im like NO! I dont want to see a bunch of people I hate. I dont want to go to a concert with them. I want to see my friends, visit David's grave and relax! And go to the bridal shower (that Im not planning).

Shall we start at the beginning? 1 1/2 months of a period is like hell. cramps, mood swings, you name it, I deal with it. So since we all know how crummy our period is for a week, imagine 5 1/5 weeks of it with no end in sight? It SUCKS!!!!!

Then lets add in David's death. I cry every night. I cry when I hear songs on the radio like this one:

Like right now, its playing in the background & Im sobbing like a baby. I havnt been to church since I leanred the news. I didnt go easter sunday either. I am so mad at god. How could he take daivd? He was that one guy who I knew would always look at me & see beautiful. He would always love me. He gave the kinds of hugs that last for hours. Who am I gonna call when I cant remember which mall in Savannah has which stores? Who will pick me and Courtney up from River Street at 3am? Whos gonna walk me down the aisle at my wedding if Daddy cant do it? Whos gonna marry me when Im 35 & cant find a hubby?

I want to put a photo of him on my desk at work, but I know I'll lose it every time I see it. I dont know how people get over the loss of a love one. I get so... mad... idk if thats even the right word... sad, mad, upset, jealous when I see happy people now. Even at work, when people call in about their spouses I feel a pain in my heart. How am I ever gonna feel ok?

so lets add on swap stress - I love hosting swaps. dont get me wrong, but when I lose emails and I cant figure out whos who and whats what - STRESS! this one is 100% my fault. I should have canceled it but I felt bad...

And now the wedding shower. Not only is the MOH a MOZ-zilla but shes a bitch. & Im staying with her for the wedding! argh! 4 days! I might kill someone! I already spent $30 on decorations for the party and shes all "I dont think they're gonna go with the theme". really? Its one damn banner & a center piece. and some cute napkins. but NO! they;re all going into a box for the next bachelorette party I throw. Heres the kicker. I dont want to order anything without her OK, so she doesnt freak out, but SHE DOESNT REPLY TO TXT MESSAGES OR EMAILS!!! I need her to take 10 min away from her stupid boyfriend (insert hormonal, lost david emotions here) and just say "yes or no"

And now the kicker - this weekend Im going to statesboro for a relaxing girls weekend and one of my friends is trying to drag me into this big event thing. I dont want to go!!! I dont want to see your stupid band, celebrate your bitchy friend's birthday with you & your fience & her fience! She is a crappy friend! She was a bitch to me & you & IDK why your friends with her. I want to spend my time with people I care about & miss.

I am planning on visiting David's grave. This is gonna be so hard for me. Ive never visited the grave of someone I knew before. Im bringing a huge box of tissues.

You would think after saying all this Id feel better right... nope. I feel just as stressed, just as sad, just as hormonal & mad as 45 min ago when I started this.

I guess I should close by saying Im sorry to those people I have taken all this out on,  my friends, my parents & yall now. I really dont know who to talk to about any of this. I stopped seeing my counselor, God only knows why. I dont pray anymore because when I do I just get mad & sad.

Bottom line is Im a mess. A big fat (oh ya - been trying to get healthy but Im pretty sure Im gaining weight!) emotional mess.


Sarah said...

Hello Honey!

I recommend you take this vaca to the Boro as "you" time.

Don't do anything you don't want too. Don't spend time with people you don't want too. And just say "NO"!

Who are these people, anyways? If you never see them are you going to be hurt? If not, just spill the beans and tell them all how you feel. They will either respect your decisions and respect you OR get pissy and never speak to you again. Either way, WINNING for you because you got to do just what you wanted to do.

I'd love you see you, if possible, but I also know you are here to do your own thing.



*danielle said...

Hey girl, sorry it's been stressful - it's been about the same over here... Just take things one step and one day at a time! Oh, and do pray. It really does help, even if the "answer" so to speak, isn't what you expected or exactly wanted.

Example: I wanted to nurse the baby... Went to classes, understood the concepts/benefits, etc. She couldn't get a good latch, and & I was hurting, dragging, and upset. We're talking, if the baby didn't latch in like 10 seconds, she started screaming, I couldn't calm her down b/c if she smelled me, she got more upset, so Kyle had to try to calm her. The hungrier she got, the louder she screamed, the more upset I got knowing she was hungry and that I couldn't do anything about it. Kyle was frazzled, I was a mess, it was BAD. I just kept praying it wouldn't be like that, and to help me get through it. I was worried I might be post-partum depressed b/c of HOW upset I'd get every time we tried to feed her... We switched to formula and it's so much more calm, she's not starving, I'm not crying, KR & I can both get some sleep instead of us both having to stay up to feed her (It literally took us both to feed her.) It's not what I wanted... I was bummed... But it was definitely the best decision. She was jaundiced & started getting better as soon as we switched. Now instead of dreading her waking up, I can't wait to see her eyes and hold her - and KR loves being able to help out. Who knows why God works the way he does, but you just have to trust that it all works out the way it's meant to. Sorry you're feeling down, but I hope that it turns around for you here soon!

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