Thursday, March 3, 2011

Life Aint Always Beautiful

right now that line is just swarming around my head. Im sitting in my room, alone, eating leftover chinese food while my family is out having a nice dinner.

I, of course, had a break down in the restaurant, in front of them. I mean like full out, cry at the table break down. Of course, they pretended not to notice & just kept on talking. I dont know if it would have helped if they had acknowledged me & my state of mind, but a hug and a "hang in there" would have been great.

I decided to come home. I just couldn't be there anymore. I hate having people stare at me. I feel like people do that a lot, stare at me. But not like the "wow shes pretty stare" its more of a "Im reading her soul and I can see how sad she is & I pity her" stare.

Im sure they're not, but thats how it feels. Is that crazy?

Ive had a tuff week. Not tuff like fighting for my life, or begging for food. But tuff for me. I went to a Life Teen church meeting on tue, and I felt very out of place. Im trying to make friends with the other core member volunteers, but they dont seem too interested. I gave them my phone number, but I didnt feel comfortable enough to ask for theres. Maybe next week.

Just got a voice mail asking if I had gone crazy...

Ya that didnt help.... God, maybe I am crazy. I dont hear voices, but on an awesome day, I feel sadder then ever. I took a half day today, got my hair done and saw the chiropractor. I planned to go to a CIA stock the pond party but I didnt want to go alone and I was too afraid I wouldn't meet a soul. So I opted for dinner with my family.

If you follow me on twitter you know how well that worked out... #EpicFail

I know this post makes no sense... & I also know that concerned blogger is going to leave a really nasty comment to make sure I know how much she hates me & my blog.

My ex boyfriend sent me a facebook message last night. I got a 50 survey at work today. These are little stupid things that dont affect normal people. & my familys home. I can hear them, chatting & laughing. Why cant I be like that? Why cant I be happy?

I've been working so hard to keep busy, to keep my pain at bay & yet it still comes back, stronger then ever. I wish I understood why. I wish I could turn it off.

Im going to call this number 1 800 273 8255, maybe it'll help if I call someone...

6 comments:

Mrs. Jones said...

Thinking of you and praying you find happy times soon. It can be hard if you don't connect with your family. That's a big rift sometimes, and I know it's not always easy.

I'm sending sunshine and happy thoughts your way. Your hair looks great - saw it on Twitter. And I've been one of those girls that those "little" things affected in a big way. I got a therapist for about 6 months, and that helped me get back to my "normal" at least.

Have a wonderful night - relax, bubble bath, wine.... it will get better!

Cole said...

OMG, sweetie!! I'm so sorry that you are having such a horrible week. (((HUGS)))

I've had weeks like that lately too. I hope that Friday and your weekend are absolutely fabulous to make up for the rest of the week.

The Southern Lady said...

Good afternoon from Tokyo!

I'm sorry that you had a rough week. I keep you in my thoughts and will keep praying for you.

Have a great weekend ahead!

Warmly,

Elizabeth

pittsburghprepster said...

Oh my we are having the same type of day! Just finished my crying. Don't you hate the stuffy nose and my eyes always are puffy the next day. Totally can relate love! Wish I could be eating Chinese with you! Will be praying for you! Tomorrow is a new day! xoxo

pittsburghprepster@yahoo.com

*danielle said...

Idk about all the other stuff since I have been an emotional wreck lately, too, but just so you know - a facebook message from my ex would definitely seriously affect me, so don't think you're weird because of that... I think most people would be upset/freaked out/stressed/annoyed, and then because they feel stupid, simply try to hide it.

Perhaps trying to keep yourself busy and the emotions at bay isn't the answer? Perhaps you need to just let yourself cry it out or whatever the case may be and let yourself work through the emotions to figure out why you've been feeling the way you've been feeling lately? Sometimes, it's helped me. Sometimes, I just WANT to feel sad and upset and cause stupid problems over nothing. Like all thing, this too shall past. Just try not to let it rule your life.

Angel said...

I am sooo sorry things aren't going your way! you hair looks amazing, and I know that maybe if you talk to someone it will help! I am sending happy thoughts your way.

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