That Sinking Feeling

You know that feeling right before you get sick? That almost sore throat, body feels crummy feeling, well that's me right now. Plus hungry, tired, and all around depressed. Lets just say I've had a not so awesome week and its only Tuesday.

Lets start with the sick feeling. Ryan txted me Sunday night & said he thought he was getting sick. Of course, my body picked up on his que and now I'm feeling under the weather.

Then its a Monday, or yesterday was. Last Monday of training. And guess who hasn't found a new job, I haven't even applied for one. truth is I have no idea how to even go about looking for a job. I figure Ill send my resume into any & all company HRs that I can think of. But there are so many companies out there I don't know. Ugh being a grown up sucks.

My 25th birthday is 16 days away and I couldn't be less excited. I'm not ready to change my age bracket, Not ready to be in my mid 20s, not ready to be the 25 year old who lives at home because she cant afford a place of her own. I'm not ready to be a huge disappointment.

My room is a mess. More like a hot mess. Like I need a cleaning crew to help me with it. Ive been so busy the last 5 months traveling, I cant remember the last time I even looked at my room other then to dump my suitcase & sleep. Ryan's coming on Friday & I want it to be perfect. I want to impress him. But I'm so overwhelmed I'm not sure if that's gonna happen.

My parents are in a mood. At least my mom is. Bitching & snipping. I just want to find somewhere to hide from her attitude, which is not possible because shes constantly emailing and txting me.

Weight watchers sucks. I haven't lost a pound. Not one. I also haven't gained which is good. But since the great debacle at the gym I'm too embarrassed to go back. I don't want to be heckled by the trainers because I couldn't afford them and they're workouts weren't working. I want to get in shape but I cant motivate myself, and I hate myself for it.

I need to unpack my car, do 3 more loads of laundry, plan this weekend, work out & eat something healthy tonight. And clean the dining room and the garage.

Sorry to be such a debbi downer.

Head Above Water

Mom Maeve Me & Dad 

The bachelorette party... Ill explain more later

1st GSU home game

Ryan & his parents

The Party

The cupcakes

Hello All!

I am sorry I have been gone so long, I have been just overwhelmed with my life. Between labor day, the bachelorette & Ryan's birthday I am broke, spent and exhausted. I promise to start blogging again soon but I figured Id give you a little recap on my life:

Ryan & I tubing (labor day weekend)

Brooks & Lindsey

At the lake

Brooks & Ryan

Ryan & his nephew Emory

Harry Potter Fans

So I know some if not most of my readers are HP fans, just like me. But my friend Laura is a super HP fan.  Her 25th birthday is around the corner and I want to get her something really amazing. Here are some ideas:

personalized hogwarts letter

cool braclet

for her new car

more HP letters

snitch watch neclace

butter beer body scrub

cool poster

I already have this for her:

2012 calendar

What do you think I should get her? 

Labor Day Weekend

So labor day weekend is 3 days away and I am having mixed emotions about the whole thing.

My childhood nanny is flying in from Ireland on Thursday to spend a week here, but I wont be here this weekend. I'm going to Valdasta to visit Ryan's friends and family.

I am excited to get away from Atlanta of course, but I'm dreading the drive (4+ hours not including labor day traffic) meting his best friends (gotta make a good impression) and dealing with his family's drama (divorce, fighting, all that can of worms).

I wanted Ryan to come to Atlanta and visit here but my parents & nanny are going to NC and mom expressly said Ryan wasn't invited. So he made plans to go to Valdasta, with or without me. His friends were meeting, this is like the only time I'll ever get to meet them as they live in FL and don't have any reason to visit statesboro or Atlanta.

I'm sad because Maeve, my nanny is coming such a long way to visit my family and I'll be missing out on 3 days of her time, but I know I'd be miserable in NC doing nothing for labor day.

Hopefully we'll have lots of fun the next week while shes here - going to an improv show, dinner out, maybe some local museums etc. I just wish I wasn't so busy and she was spending more time in the US.

I am excited to meet 2 of Ryan's best friends, but I'm nervous too. They have a brand new baby, and are married. AKA we have nothing in common. I'm going to be the only one who doesn't know everyone there. I want to believe he will make me comfortable but I know how guys get, they forget about their gfs when they're with their friends.

I'm also super nervous to be at the lake. I'm not comfortable with my body and I'm doing weight watchers but I don't feel like Ive lost much. I am eating better through. I just know how uncomfortable it can  be for me to be in a swim suite around people I dont know.

Im also nervous because all the 1st impressions I have of Ryan's friends and them of me hasn't exactly been stellar. I'm just very different then these people. Hopefully Im worried for nothing... hopefully

Life Lessons

So I've been dating Ryan for about 4 months and its been wonderful, except of course, for the long distance thing. That sucks. I've never spent a Tuesday or Wednesday with him and only a few hours on a Thursday once. Its weird to think about. Knowing how much I like him, but I don't know what its like to kiss him on a Tuesday. It scares me a little bit. A lot of things about the relationship are scaring me. Maybe I'm just crazy but maybe not. I just keep getting flashes from my ex boyfriends, past relationships and I see myself repeating the same things.

This weekend I asked Ryan what he wanted from his life, what his life dreams were. He didn't hesitate, he knew exactly what he wanted. He wants a good paying job, a house somewhere in the south, a wife and a few kids, 2 vacations a year and to live comfortably. He knows when he's done with school in Dec, he knows what field he's going into and he knows hes gonna enjoy his work.

When he said that I saw flash backs of so many of my exs. They all said something similar. And they're all married. They married southern, home town kinda girls. Girls with deep roots and domestic skills, girls who wanted to have kids by 26 and dreamed of a mini van.

These are what I call backyard, neighborhood dreams. They are dreams, but they are very white picket fence, and so settled.

I start to hyperventilate when I think about this. I just.... I dream bigger. I want to visit Australia, go surfing Christmas morning, I want to meet the Dali lama, I want to see a penguin in its natural habitat, I want to make real red sauce in Italy, I want to take a vodka shot in Russia for David, I want to live overseas again, follow my aunts footsteps through Greece. I want to live a big, full life. I want to have a house and kids too but not soon. I want to run wild, learn everything I can. I want to take a big chuck out of life. back back through Europe, volunteer in china.

Once Ive lived as much as I can, I wanrt to settle down & start a family. Hopefully move them to europe or africa or new zeland and let them grow up in a diffrent culture like i did.

But i realise that Im almost 25 and Im not getting any younger. I dont have a lot of time to do all this, or maybe I do. But these things dont even light a spark in Ryan, he doesnt have any interest in doing thissort of thing.

Now Im not gonna let someone else stop me from doing what I want to do, but theres a part of me asking why bother staying with him if we are so damn different. I left the other guys who wanted what he eanted & now they're happily married.

Another thing that I see from past relationships happening again, is me falling harder for him then he has for me. Where he was quick to fall in love & I was a little slower with the falling in love part. But now he's slowing down, withdrawing where as Im settling in for a long term relationship. I guess Im wondering if this is just a fun summer fling. Maybe Im looking way to much into this, but I just feeling like im doing what Ive done a thousand times, lining myself up for heart break. I'll be much more invested then he is and when it doesn't work out Ill get hurt.

I want to throw the breaks on my feelings, slow down, back up even. Just regain my footing and hold off for a while. Im afraid to get super attached. I don't want to put all my cards on the table, I want him to have to chase me, because I can already see the thrill of the chase is wearing off and he's getting comfortable.

One lesson I am taking from past relationships is Im not spilling everything to him. I'm not using his as my only confidente. Im trying to not open up to him about a lot of person stuff at all, because Ive learned that thats the kind of emotional luggage men don't want.

Am I doing the right thing trying to learn from my past? or should I be looking at this entire thing with a clean slate?